MEN AND ISLAM
Advantages of Marriage for the Individuals
Shaykh Muhammad Al Jibaly
Being ordained by Allah the Most Wise and All-Knowing, marriage is sure to have many virtues and advantages. In what follows we list a number of them.
1. PRESERVATION OF FAITH AND RELIGION
A righteous wife helps her husband preserve half of his religion. She provides him with help, support, and advice that help him obey Allah and abstain from sinning. Anas (Radhi Allahu Anhu) reported that Allah's Messenger (Sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said:
In another report from Anas (Radhi Allahu Anhu), the Prophet (Sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said:
Anas (Radhi Allahu Anhu) also reported that Allah's Messenger (Sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said:
2. PRESERVATION OF CHASTITY
Men have a natural desire for women, and vice versa. Satan takes advantage of that to entice men and move their lusts when a woman approaches or moves away from them. He pictures her to them in an attractive and appealing form, which may lead them to various forms of sinning in compliance with their lusts.
Usamah Bin Zayd (Radhi Allahu Anhu) reported that Allah's Messenger (Sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said:
[23]
A married person has a quick means of protection against the Devil's whispers and seduction. Jabir (Radhi Allahu Anhu) reported that the Messenger of Allah (Sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said:
3. ENJOYING LOVE, MERCY AND SECURITY
�And among His signs is that He created for you, from yourselves, spouses that you may dwell (in joy and security) unto them, and He set between you love and mercy; surely in that are signs for those who reflect.� [25]
�They are a garment for you and you are a garment to them.� [26]
4. LAWFUL FULFILLMENT OF DESIRE
5. PLEASURABLE WAY OF INCREASING THE GOOD DEEDS
He (Sallallahu alaihi wasallam) replied:
� Every tasbih (saying "Subhan Allah - Exalted be Allah") is a charity;
� Every takbir (saying "Allahu akbar - Allah is the Greatest") is a charity;
� Every tahlil (saying "La ilaha illallah - There is no true deity except Allah") is a charity;
� Every tahmid (saying "Al-Hamdulillah � Praise be to Allah") is a charity;
� Commanding good is a charity;
� Forbidding the evil is a charity;
� And having intercourse (with your wife) is a charity.>
They replied, "Yes, indeed." He (Sallallahu alaihi wasallam) deduced:
Commenting on this, al-Albani (Rahimahullah) said: "As-Suyuti said in Ithkar ul-Athkar that one's intercourse (with his wife) is a charity, even if he did not have any intention in that regard. My opinion is that this may be true for each intercourse, but he should have a prior intention in that regard at least when he first married her. And Allah knows best." [30]
� Takbir (saying "Alluhu akbar - Allah is the Greatest") ;
� (Saying) "SubhanAllah - Exalted be Allah";
� (Saying) "Al-Hamdu lillah - Praise be to Allah";
� (Saying) "la ilaha illallah - There is no true deity except Allah";
� (Saying) "Astaghfir Ullah - I seek forgiveness from Allah";
� Removing thorns, bones, and rocks from the people's way;
� Helping a deaf and dumb man hear and understand;
� Directing a person who lost something to his lost thing - if you know where it is;
� Running, with the power of your legs, to help one who is eagerly seeking help;
� Raising, with the power of your arms, an object for a weak person;
� Having intercourse with your wife: you get a reward for it as well -
All of those are forms of charity that you give for yourself.>
"Allah's Messenger (Sallallahu alaihi wasallam) prohibited abstinence from marriage." [32]
7. FOLLOWING THE WAY OF THE PROPHETS
Abu ad-Darda' (Radhi Allahu Anhu) reported that Allah's Messenger (Sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said:
'Aishah (Radhi Allahu Anha) reported that Allah's Messenger (Sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said:
3. SAFEGUARDING THE SOCIETY FROM MORAL DEGENERACY
4. SAFEGUARDING THE SOCIETY FROM PHYSICAL DISEASES
5. ESTABLISHING THE FAMILY ENVIRONMENT
6. INCREASING THE NUMBER OF MUSLIMS
Abu Hurayrah (Radhi Allahu Anhu) reported that Allah's Messenger (Sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said:
Abu Umamah (Radhi Allahu Anhu) reported that Allah's Messenger (Sallallahu alaihi wasallam) said:
7. STRENGTHENING THE MUSLIM COMMUNITY
7. Recorded by al-Bukhari, Muslim, and others.
9. Recorded by an-Nasa'i Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (Sahih ul-Jami' no. 6498).
10. A slave who makes a contract with his master to purchase his freedom.
12. Recorded by Ibn 'Adiyy. Verified to be Hasan by al-Albani (Sahih ul -jami' no.
14. Recorded by Ahmad, an-Nasai', and others. Verified to be authentic by al-
Albani (Sahih ul-Jami' no. 3124).
15. Recorded by Ibn Majah. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (As sahihah no.2383).
16. Recorded by al-Bukhari and Ahmad.
18. Recorded by Ibn Hibban, Ahmad, and at-Tabarani (in al-Kabir). Verified to be
authentic by al-Albani (Irwa�ul-Ghalil no. 2015).
19. Recorded by al-Bukhari, Muslim, and others.
20. Recorded by At Tabarani and al-Hakim. Verified to be Hasan by al-Albani (as Sahihah no. 625).
21. Recorded by at-Tabarani (in al-Awsat) and others. Verified to be hasan by al-
Albani (as Sahihah no. 625 & Sahih Al Jami� no. 430).
23. Recorded by al-Bukhari, Muslim, and others.
24. This is a combined report recorded by Muslim, Abu Dawud, and others (as Sahihah no. 235).
27. Recorded by Muslim, Ahmad, and an-Nasa'i
28. Recorded by Ibn Majah, al-Hakim, and others. Verified to be authentic by al-
29. Recorded by Muslim, Ahmad, and others.
31. Recorded by Ahmad, Ibn Hibban, and an-Nasai�. Verified to be authentic by
al-Albani (As Sahihah no. 575).
32. Recorded by al-Bukhari, Muslim, and others.
33. Recorded by at-Tabarani (in at-Kabir). Verified to be authentic by al-Albani
(Sahih ul Jami� no. 2704 & as Sahihah no. 1281).
34. Recorded by Ibn Khuzaymah, Ibn Hibban, and others. Verified to be authentic
by al-Albani (Sahih ul Jami� no. 6691 & as Sahihah no. 1281).
35. Recorded by Ibn Majah. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (Sahih ul-Jami' no. 1514).
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The Prophet (saw) said,
"A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser."(Bukhari)
"The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman.(Muslim)
"Four aspects are [sources] of happiness: a pious wife, a spacious house, a pious neighbor, and a means of transportation that is fast and pleasing. And four are [sources] of unhappiness: an evil wife, an evil neighbor, an evil means of transportation and cramped housing.
In Islam marriage is an institution that holds a very high position in every Muslim's life. It is an institution that Allah (swt) has created for His servants in order that they may fulfill their natural desires and live happy lives in within the boundaries set by Him in the Quran and through the Sunnah of the Prophet (saw). It is an institution that will lead to the benefit of the whole community because it will help prevent fornication and problems such as fatherless children. Not to mention the many, many diseases that are going on in this society today. The marriage, which is contracted by an agreement called the Nikaah, has a lot of benefits besides making lawful what is unlawful before marriage (meaning sexual relations). The Muslim family unit, based around nikaah, is the foundation of an Islamic society. The more stable the marriage, the more stable the family and the society as a whole. When a man and woman join together in marriage under the umbrella of Islam, the benefits extend beyond their own personal wishes and desires. There are spiritual benefits, meaning that lawful marriage is an act of eebaadah. When the couple place Islam at the center of their lives, they know that they are doing so to please Allah (swt) and that there will be grate rewards in this life and the hereafter, insh'allah. They will strengthen each other's faith as they work together following the commands of Allah (swt) and His Rasool (saw). Then there are moral benefits which have already been mentioned above, being that illegal sexual activity is haraam (forbidden), and marriage makes this totally permissible/lawful (halaal). Polygamy for some men, closes the doors on and prevents the extra marital affairs influenced by this society, which break down the family structures, and makes life somewhat easier. Then of course we have the mental benefits of marriage which are that the husband and wife give love and comfort to each other, which leads to tranquillity and contentment. This comfort is talked about in the Quraan in Allah's words (which may be translated as):
"They (your wives) are a garment for you, and you (the husbands) are a garment for them." (Surah Al-Baqarah, 2:187)
"Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will. But do some good act for your souls beforehand; and fear Allah and know that ye are to meet Him (in the Hereafter) and give (these) good tidings to those who believe." (Surah al-Baqarah, 2:223)
One should also understand that Allah created us for a purpose, that purpose is to worship Him Alone with no partners. In order to worship Allah we must follow His commands and believe in His signs that are given to us through the two revelations, the Qur'aan and the Sunnah. Allah (swt) says (what may be translated as):
"Among His Signs is this that He created you from dust; and then Behold ye are men scattered (far and wide)! And among His Signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts); verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." (Surah ar-Rum, 30:20-21)
So now we know that the word "mates" is referring to partners in marriage which is one purpose served by men and women. In today's day and age (specially in this western atmosphere) marriage is either unnecessarily delayed or avoided on the whole, in particular by men. There are two reasons for this; one being that brothers have already been physically involved with women unlawfully, and the other being that the brothers cannot find the "right spouse" with the fear that they might marry to someone who will make their deen weaker instead of stronger. They usually gather this fear in themselves from a hadeeth which stated that a woman can either bring a man closer to his deen or pull him away from it. But it is understood , that is possible from both sides. Like our great Sheikh Abdul Aziz Bin Baz has pointed out, that the danger is even greater to day because there are very few pious and knowledgeable Muslim men. Furthermore, nowadays he states, men are listening and obeying their wives more and more. Hence, such a marriage (to un-pious women) could be very dangerous for his own religion as well as for the religion of the children. This problem can be solved in a very simple manner. That is, educating the brothers about who to marry and how to pick them out in accordance with the evidence in the shariah. When the shariah is looked into, various hadeeth state that the most successful marriage will be of the man who marries a pious woman, in other words if he marries for her Deen (religion).
There are some basic steps that he can take when searching for "the pious wife". Firstly he must hold firm to the Qur'aan and the sunnah and he must not deviate any knew means into it when looking for a marital prospect. This means not to use any haraam means, such as meeting in private with a sister, or writing her letters/emailing her, expressing his desire to marry her etc. It should always be done through her wali or another mahram in within Islamic guidelines. Once the brother has met this woman's wali or mahram, he may then start the beginning processes of getting to know her with her mahram's permission. In this, different observations must be taken about various things regarding this woman (marital prospect). It is understood insh'allah that the woman is a Muslim, a rightly guided Muslim who is not part of the Ahlul-bid'aah (people of deviation/innovations) but instead part of the Ahlus-Sunnah wal Jamaa'ah. Imam Ahmad once said that the impious people of Ahlus-Sunnah were better than the pious people of heretical groups. Now to discuss the traits that a woman must possess to be recognized as being pious, how does one know if she is pious or not??
CHARACTERISTICS OF THE PIOUS WOMAN
The First Characteristic , Good Behavior:-
Any pious woman will know that good conduct and behavior are a great part of eeman. Therefor when this woman is seen, she will show her good conduct by her speech, by her actions and by her respect for others. This good behavior comes with piety and one must never over-look this in times of marriage because it could be dangerous for the future. The Prophet (saw) said: " I have been sent for the purpose of perfecting good morals"
and he (saw) also said: "I am a guarantor of a house in the highest part of Jannah (paradise) for the one who makes his behavior good"
Yet in the following ahadeeth the Prophet (saw) made it obvious that good character is indeed part of piety, he (saw) said: " Piety and righteousness is being of good character."
And the following where he (saw) said: " The believers with the most complete eeman are the ones with the best behavior."
Shiekh Jamaal Zarabozo explained it well when he said: "Obviously for the happiness of married life, this characteristic is of utmost importance. Nothing can ruin a marriage more than a spouse of bad character. Instead of one finding repose and comfort when one comes to his or her spouse, he or she finds agitation and stress. Therefor the prospective spouses must ask about the other person's behavior and manners."
One way to know of her behavior is to closely observe how she associates with her parents and her siblings. Even though everyone is different in nature, it is still good to see the behavior of her parents because that is obviously whom she has learned from. This will help a person get a basic idea of the "nature" of this woman, insha'allah.
The Second Characteristic, Haya (Modesty):-
This characteristic also goes hand in hand with the one mentioned above. The reason being that is a person has a good character, most likely she will not be flirtatious or flauntatious infront of others. Modesty (Haya) is an extremely important aspect of ones deen. For the Prophet (saw) has told us:
"Indeed haya (modesty) and eemaan (faith) are companions. When one of them is lifted, the other leaves as well"
The Prophet (saw) also stated: "Only good things result from haya" and …….
"When lewdness is a part of anything, it becomes defective, when haya is a part of anything it becomes beautiful"
It has to be understood that when a woman has haya, ONLY then will she cover herself up to conceal her beauty. Allah (swt) has ordered all women to conceal themselves with the commandments of Hijaab. This is so they can guard their chastity and refrain from intermingling with non-mahram men. Keep in mind that "hijab" doesn't just mean putting a scarf on ones head. It means complete concealment of the beauty, which includes the part of the body, attractive voice (she must not speak in an extra nice manner to non-mahrams, and she must not spend excessive time outside of her house. So if a brother wants to make sure that his prospective wife will not be entertaining others behind his back, he has to first make sure that she is a woman who is veiled. Veiled out of sincere modesty and to follow Allah's orders not to show off to other people. Some brothers in today's society want their woman to have haya but do not pay attention to the fact that it is very unlikely for them to maintain haya if they are revealing themselves to the public. Thus, the Prophet (saw) has said in one hadith,
"When there is no haya left, then do as you please." (Bukhari)
Today vulgarity and all its ingredients have become a common place even among well-known Muslims in the zeal of imitating the non-believers. It is these people who have been lenient about Muslim women coming out of Hijab into immodesty "be'hayai" and indecency. They have adopted the lifestyles of the Christians more than the traditions of the Prophet (saw). Actually the fact is, indulging in indecency of this society for so long has killed most of the sense of modesty (haya) which Islam had commanded them to preserve. It is this natural desire of maintaining one's honor which compels men to protect the respect and honor of their women. What these men and women do not understand is that if the women do not observe Hijab and do not develop Haya inside of them, they will be entertaining those who have taken the path of shaitaan. Such as the following hadith:
Malik b Uhaimir reported that he heard the Prophet (saw) saying that, "Allah (swt) will not accept any good deeds or worship of an immodest and vulgar person." We asked "Who is a vulgar and immodest person?" He replied, "A man who's wife entertains Ghair-mehram men."
Now the word "entertains" implies that she is showing off her beauty instead of keeping herself covered up. Also haya implies that she doesn't use an attractive tone of voice when she must speak to men out of necessity and that she also lowers her gaze when around other men. For Allah (swt) has ordered in the Qur'aan (what may be translated as):
"And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appear thereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except….." (Surah An-Nur, 24:31)
and Allah (swt) also said to the Prophet (saw) wives something that all women should be taking as examples (what may be translated as):
"O Consorts of the Prophet! ye are not like any of the (other) women: if ye do fear (Allah) be not too complaisant of speech lest one in whose heart is a disease should be moved with desire: but speak ye a speech (that is) just. And stay quietly in your houses and make not a dazzling display like that of the former Times of Ignorance;…" (Surah al-Ahzab, 33:32-33)
If the Muslim brothers of today's society knew the benefits of haya and hijab hey would definitely not tolerate the opposite. At the time of our beloved Prophet (saw) the husbands could not even imagine their wives leaving the houses un-veiled let alone go out and beautify themselves for other men to get "free looks". The following hadith shows this fact clearly:
Narrated by Al-Mughira: Sa'd bin 'Ubada said, "I will not hesitate killing my wife with a sword if I see her with another man" This news reached Allah's Apostle who then said, "You people are astonished at Sa'd's Ghira (self-respect, honor). By Allah, I have more Ghira than he, and Allah has more Ghira than I, and because of Allah's Ghira, He has made unlawful shameful deeds and sins done in open and in secret. And there is none who likes that the people should repent to Him and beg His pardon than Allah, and for this reason He sent the warners and the givers of good news. And there is none who likes to be praised more than Allah does, and for this reason, Allah promised to grant
Modesty and maintaining of one's honor are of primary importance in preserving the moral fiber of any society. This is why modesty has been called the ornament of a woman, which protects her from many sins and which prevents ill-intentioned men from daring to have bad thoughts about her, especially when she is already another Muslim's wife. Therefor this modesty has been made to prevent her from these attractions of shaitaan. So this is why haya is such an important characteristic of piety in a prospective spouse that MUST be looked into.
The Third Characteristic, Taqwa:-
Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) said, "Do you know the thing which most commonly brings people into
"O ye who believe! Fear Allah and keep your duty to Him. And let every person look to what he has sent forth for the morrow, and fear Allah. Verily, Allah is All-Aware of what you do. Yea fear Allah: for Allah is well-acquainted with (all) that you do" (Surah al-Hashr, 59:18)
"But to those who receive Guidance He increases (the light of) Guidance and bestows on them their Piety and Restraint (from evil)." (Surah Muhammed, 47:17)
In these two verses it talk about different things. But when it comes to "taqwa" it includes all of these traits. The "fear of Allah" is akin to love; for it means the fear of offending Him or doing anything wrong that will forfeit His Good Pleasure. This is Taqwa, which implies self restraint, guarding ourselves from all sin, wrong, and injustice, and the positive doing of good. It is not merely a feeling or an emotion: it is an act, a doing of things which become a preparation and provision for the Hereafter,-the next life, which may be described as "the morrow" in relation to the present Life, which is "to-day". People who contain taqwa are called muttaqeen which can be defined as: pious and righteous persons who fear Allah much (abstain from all kinds of evil deeds and sin which He has forbidden) and love Allah much (perform all kinds of good deeds which he has ordained). Surely taqwa is a trait that comes from the heart and only Allah knows who the real muttaqeen are, we must bare in mind though, that some signs will be obvious. If one sees a woman who he knows strives her hardest to abstain from sin and does many good deeds, for the sake of her Lord (Allah), then it is obvious that she maintains somewhat taqwa. Allah and the Prophet (saw) have told us,
"Therefore do not declare yourselves as being purified. He knows best who has taqwa." [53:32]
"Taqwa is here," and he pointed to his chest.
On the other hand the Prophet (saw) has also said, "If, through fear of Allah, tears--even to the extent of a fly's head--fall from any believer's eyes and drop on some part of his cheek, he will be kept away from Hell by Allah.
Or Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) also said, "There are two eyes which will never be touched by Hell: an eye which weeps from fear of Allah and an eye which spends the night on guard in Allah's cause."
Abu Hurairah, radhiallaahu `anhu was asked about taqwa. He said, "It is a road full of thorns. One who walks it needs to have extreme patience."
When it comes to marriage more or less one should make du'aa to Allah (swt) that their prospective spouse has love and respect for her Ilah, Allah. In that she enjoins good and forbids evil, and fears her Lord before she does anything in which she is unsure of committing a sin. When she is told about the punishment in the hereafter and the reward for Jannah, her eyes will well up with tears and her desire for paradise will come outside of her heart and show through the expressions on her face. Marrying a woman with these characteristics of piety will be beneficial after the marriage in the following ways:
She will be obedient to him in everything lawful/permissible.
She will allow him to fulfill his desires and she will make him happy and content.
She will help her husband by looking after his health and his comfort.
She will be good in child rearing and will bring up his children as pious Muslims.
She will be patient and co-operative when he is out to earn money for her.
She will look after his wealth and property when he is away from home ex. Jihad.
She will prepare a nice welcoming for him when he returns.
She will cook the kind of foods that he likes (out of her own love, not force).
She will maintain herself and beautify herself so out of his attraction to her, he will keep his gaze lowered towards other woman.
She will help him maintain his deen and help him improve it.
She will not stop him from doing deeds that are pleasing to Allah, and will stop him from doing the unlawful.
She will not make big decisions without his permission, she will not travel alone against his will, and will not associate with anyone whom he does not approve of.
These are the advantages of marrying the pious woman. So to anyone who is going out to search for that prospective wife. To you is the advice, forget wealth and status as your first priority, forget beauty as your first priority, for wealth and beauty can both be taken away from Allah (swt). When it comes to piety, as long as one fears their Lord, He will never take their piety away for He loves modesty and He loves righteousness over all things and His servants should love what their Allah loves the most. Therefor piety should always comes first. Now that one has decided that their prospect must be a pious woman, one who has good character, one who is known to be modest and one who is God-fearing, insh'allah they will be successful in this life and the hereafter. In all decisions one must keep in mind that everything happens by Allah's Qadr and from the will of Allah. So make sincere du'aa and ask him to make your life easier, and when you find that prospective spouse that you are interested in, pray salaatul-istikhaara and leave the rest to Allah (swt).
"Our Lord! grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous." (Surah al-Furqaan, 74)
"When my servants ask thee concerning Me I am indeed close (to them); I listen to the prayer of every suppliant when he calleth on Me; let them also with a will listen to My call and believe in Me; that they may walk in the right way."(Surah al-Baqarah,186)
References
Fiqh of Family Law and Divorce, Jamaal al-din Zarabozo, American Open University.
Hijab: Dr Muhammad Ismail Memon Madani
Kitaabun Nikaah: Ulema of the Lenasia Muslim Association
Min Akhlaaq as-Salaf, Sheikh Ahmad Fareed
Shariah Rules for Marriage, Dr.Habeeb Malik
The Ettiquttes of Marriage and Wedding (Adaab-uz-Zufaaf), Sheikh al-Albani
The Holy Quran, translation of the meanings by Yusuf Ali
The Noble Quran, Dr. Muhammad Muhsin Khan and Dr. Muhammed Taqi-udeen Al-Hilali
Hadeeth Texts:
al-Musnad (Ahmad)
Sahih Bukhari
Sahih Muslim
Sunan Abu Dawud
Tirmidhi Hadeeth (abridged)
Articles:
Choosing the Desired Wife, Ibrahim Abu Khalid
Pointers on Choosing Marriage Partners, (The Journey through Islam), Rabi'ah Hakim.
Marriage in Islam
How to make your Wife happy?
The following is a summary of the book "How to make your wife happy by Sheikh Mohammed Abdelhaleem Hamed.
Beautiful Reception
After returning from work, school, travel, or whatever has separated you:
- Begin with a good greeting.
- Start with Assalamau 'Aliaykum and a smile. Salam is a Sunnah and a du'aa for her as well.
- Shake her hand and leave bad news for later!
Sweet Speech and Enchanting Invitations
- Choose words that are positive and avoid negative ones.
- Give her your attention when you speak of she speaks.
- Speak with clarity and repeat words if necessary until she understands.
- Call her with the nice names that she likes, e.g. my sweet-heart, honey, saaliha, etc.
Friendliness and Recreation
- Spend time talking together.
- Spread to her goods news.
- Remember your good memories together.
Games and Distractions
- Joking around & having a sense of humor.
- Playing and competing with each other in sports or whatever.
- Taking her to watch permissible (halal) types of entertainment.
- Avoiding prohibited (haram) things in your choices of entertainment.
Assistance in the Household
- Doing what you as an individual can/like to do that helps out, especially if she is sick or tired.
- The most important thing is making it obvious that he appreciates her hard work.
Consultation (Shurah)
- Specifically in family matters.
- Giving her the feeling that her opinion is important to you.
- Studying her opinion carefully.
- Be willing to change an opinion for hers if it is better.
- Thanking her for helping him with her opinions.
Visiting Others
- Choosing well raised people to build relations with. There is a great reward in visiting relatives and pious people. (Not in wasting time while visiting!)
- Pay attention to ensure Islamic manners during visits.
- Not forcing her to visit whom she does not feel comfortable with.
Conduct During Travel
- Offer a warm farewell and good advice.
- Ask her to pray for him.
- Ask pious relatives and friends to take care of the family in your absence.
- Give her enough money for what she might need.
- Try to stay in touch with her whether by phone, e-mail, letters, etc...
- Return as soon as possible.
- Bring her a gift!
- Avoid returning at an unexpected time or at night.
- Take her with you if possible.
Financial Support
- The husband needs to be generous within his financial capabilities. He should not be a miser with his money (nor wasteful).
- He gets rewards for all what he spends on her sustenance even for a small piece of bread that he feeds her by his hand (hadeeth).
- He is strongly encouraged to give to her before she asks him.
Smelling Good and Physical Beautification
- Following the Sunnah in removing hair from the groin and underarms.
- Always being clean and neat.
- Put on perfume for her.
Intercourse
- It is obligatory to do it habitually if you have no excuse (sickness, etc.)
- Start with "Bismillah" and the authentic du'a.
- Enter into her in the proper place only (not the anus).
- Begin with foreplay including words of love.
- Continue until you have satisfied her desire.
- Relax and joke around afterwards.
- Avoid intercourse during the monthly period because it haram
- Do what you can to avoid damaging her level of Hiyaa (shyness and modesty) such as taking your clothes together instead of asking her to do it first while he is looking on.
- Avoid positions during intercourse that may harm her such as putting pressure on her chest and blocking her breath, especially if you are heavy.
- Choose suitable times for intercourse and be considerate as sometimes she maybe sick or exhausted.
Guarding Privacy
Avoid disclosing private information such as bedroom secrets, her personal problems and other private matters.
Aiding in the Obedience to Allah
- Wake her up in the last third of the night to pray "Qiyam-ul-Layl" (extra prayer done at night with long sujood and ruku'ua).
- Teach her what you know of the Qur'an and its tafseer.
- Teach her "Dhikr" (ways to remember Allah by the example of the prophet) in the morning and evening.
- Encourage her to spend money for the sake of Allah such as in a charity sale.
- Take her to Hajj and Umrah when you can afford to do so.
Showing Respect for her Family and Friends
- Take her to visit her family and relatives, especially her parents.
- Invite them to visit her and welcome them.
- Give them presents on special occasions.
- Help them when needed with money, effort, etc..
- Keep good relations with her family after her death if she dies first. Also in this case the husband is encouraged to follow the sunnah and keep giving what she used to give in her life to her friends and family.
(Islamic) Training & Admonition
This includes:
- The basics of Islam
- Her duties and rights
- Encouraging her to attend lessons and halaqahs
- Islamic rules (ahkam) related to women
- Buying Islamic books and tapes for the home library
Admirable Jealousy
- Ensure she is wearing proper hijab before leaving house.
- Restrict free mixing with non-mahram men.
- Avoiding excess jealousy.
Examples of this are:
1- Analyzing every word and sentence she says and overloading her speech by meanings that she did not mean
2- Preventing her from going out of the house when the reasons are just.
3- Preventing her from answering the phone.
Patience and Mildness
- Problems are expected in every marriage so this is normal. What is wrong is excessive responses and magnifying problems until a marital breakdown.
- Anger should be shown when she exceeds the boundaries of Allah SWT, by delaying prayers, backbiting, watching prohibited scenes on TV, etc...
- Forgive the mistakes she does to you.
Correcting her Mistakes
- First, implicit and explicit advice several times.
- Then by turning your back to her in bed (displaying your feelings). Note that this does not include leaving the bedroom to another room, leaving the house to another place, or not talking with her.
- The last solution is lightly hitting (when allowable) her. In this case, the husband should consider the following:
- He should know that Sunnah is to avoid beating as the Prophet PBUH never beat a woman or a servant.
- He should do it only in extreme cases of disobedience, e.g. refusing intercourse without cause frequently, constantly not praying on time, leaving the house for long periods of time without permission nor refusing to tell him where she had been, etc..
- It should not be done except after having turned from her bed and discussing the matter with her as mentioned in Qur’an.
- He should not hit her hard injuring her, or hit her on her face or on sensitive parts of her body.
- He should avoid shaming her such as by hitting her with a shoe, etc.
Pardoning and Appropriate Censure
- Accounting her only for larger mistakes.
- Forgive mistakes done to him but account her for mistakes done in Allah's rights, e.g. delaying prayers, etc...
- Remember all the good she does whenever she makes a mistake.
- Remember that all humans err so try to find excuses for her such as maybe she is tired, sad, having her monthly cycle or that her commitment to Islam is growing.
- Avoid attacking her for the bad cooking of the food as the Prophet PBUH never blamed any of his wives for this. If he likes the food, he eats and if he doesn't then he does not eat and does not comment.
- Before declaring her to be in error, try other indirect approaches that are more subtle than direct accusations
- Escape from using insults and words that may hurt her feelings.
- When it becomes necessary to discuss a problem wait until you have privacy from others.
- Waiting until the anger has subsided a bit can help to keep a control on your words.
SOME AUTHENTIC HADEETHS ON MARRIAGE
The Following are authentic proofs. I have taken most of them from the book 'Saheeh Al Jaami' As Sagheer wa Ziyaadatuhu' by the scholar, the Muhadith of our age, Muhammad Naasir ud Deen Al Albaanee. Two of the proofs were taken from It'haaf Al Karaam Ta'leeq Alaa Buloogh Al Maraam by Shaykh Safee Ar-Rahmaan Al Mubaarakfooree.{The one who wrote Raheeq Al Makhtoom} Note that I am using the new edition of Saheeh Al Jaami', so the numbering of the Ahaadeeth is not the same as those from the old version. You can refer to the Tarteeb of Shaykh Zuhayr Shaaweesh to the new edition InshaAllaah.
Here is what was easy for me to compile as proofs for the points I mentioned earlier:
1. THE MUTUAL AGREEMENT
"A Woman is not married until she is consulted, and a virgin is not married until you have her permission." They said, "O messenger of Allaah! And how do obtain her permission? He(Sallallaahu Alay hi Wa Sallam) said: "If she is silent." (An taskuta)
[reported by Abu Hurayrah (r)] [Bukhaaree, Muslim, Abu Daawood, and an-Nisaa'ee]
Shaykh Al Albaanee reports it in Mukhtasar Saheeh Muslim no. 602
He makes the takhreej of it in Irwaa Al Ghaleel no. 1727
He declares it authentic in Saheeh Al Jaami' vol. 2, no. 7470
2. THE WALEE
"There is no nikaah, except with a Walee." (Laa nikah illaa bi walee)
[reported by Ibn Abbas (r)] [Ahmad, Abu Daawood, an-Nisaa'ee, At-Tirmidthi, it was authenticated by Imaam Al Haakim - this particular chain is from Abi Moosaa] [It comes from another authentic chain in Ibn Maajah from Ibn Abbaas (r)]
Shaykh Al Albaanee makes the takhreej of it in Irwaa Al Ghaleel no. 1839
He decalares it authentic in Saheeh Al Jaami' vol. 2, no. 7555
NOTE: So both chains are authentic.
b. "There is no marriage except with a Walee, and the Sultaan is the Walee for whomever there is no Walee."
[reported by Aa'ishah(r)] [Ahmad, Ibn Maajah]
Shaykh Al Albaanee declares it authentic in Saheeh Al Jaami' vol. 2, no. 7556.
3. THE WITNESSES
"There is no marriage except with a Walee, and trustworthy witnesses." (Wa Shaahidee 'Adl)
[reported by Umraan, and Aa'ishah(r)] [Bayhaqee]
Shaykh Al Albaanee makes the takhreej of it in Irwaa Al Ghaleel no.'s 1839, 1858, 1860
He declares it authentic in Saheeh Al Jaami' vol. 2, no. 7557
b. "There is no marriage except with a Walee, and two witnesses."
[reported by Abi Moosaa] [At-Tabaraani in Al Kabeer]
Shaykh Al Albaanee makes the takhreej for it in Irwaa Al Ghaleel no. 1839, 1858.
He declares it authentic in Saheeh Al Jaami' vol. 2, no. 7558.
4. THE CONTRACT
In It'haaf Al Karaam, I found the following:
(1018) And from Mu'aawiyah ibn Hakeem from his father that he said, "I said, 'O Messenger of Allaah(Sallallaahu Alayhi Wa Sallam), What is the right that one of our wives has over us?' So he said, 'Feed her when you eat, clothe her when you wear clothes, and do not strike her on the face, and do not revile her or make hijrah from her, except in the house.'
[recorded by Ahmad, and Abu Daawood, and Nisaa'ee, and Ibn Maajah, and Bukhaaree with some parts of it being Mu'allaq, and it was authenticated by Ibn Hibbaan, and Imaam Al Haakim] Shaykh Mubaarakfooree also considers it to be Saheeh. It can be found on p. 304 of It'haaf Al Karaam.
5. THE DOWRY
"The best dowry is the most easy."
[reported by 'Uqbah Ibn Aamir] [Abu Daawood, Ibn Maajah, it was authenticated by Imaam Al Haakim]
Shaykh Al Albaanee makes the Takhreej for it in Irwaa Al Ghaleel no. 1923
He declares it authentic in Saheeh Al Jaami' Vol. 2, 3279
The following is taken from It'haaf Al Karaam p. 307:
Chapter: The Dowry
(1027) From Anas(r) from the Prophet (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wa Sallam) that he freed Safiyyah, and made her manumittance, her dowry. [Agreed Upon] Shaykh Mubaarakfooree mentions that there are some Fiqh differences among the scholars regarding manumittance as a dowry, but the overall presence of a dowry in marriage can be established from this authentic Hadeeth in general. And Verily Our Lord The Most High Knows Best.
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[TROID: The above is the reproduction of a message sent to a brother regarding the subject of the Islaamic marriage. The ahaadeeth contained in it are basic and are not intended to be used by the common person to derive interpretations, rather they are for the benefit of of readers in general. The reader is urged to consult books such as Aadaab Az-Zifaaf and other books on the subject of marriage in order to get a better understanding of this noble deed.]
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